♪♪
(Mr. Newell) As you go forth on your journey, and lead us
into the next century, I know that you're going out
into this world and will give one hundred and ten percent.
You are the best and you are the brightest.
We could be looking at the future leaders of this country.
(Gagging sounds)
Writers, senators, and scientists.
Humanitarians and heads of industry.
(JD) A lot of years have passed since that graduation.
And coming out of continuation school, I had no clue what we
were gonna do with our lives.
But I knew for sure that none of us were gonna become senators
or scientists. Just ain't gonna happen.
Sparky was a wild one, man. The beauty of Sparky
was that you never knew where he was comin from.
(Sparky) Who took a dump in my mouth?
(JD) Sparky would rip off a line of "fuck you's"
better than anybody I ever heard.
I'm gonna castrate you and fuck your mother in the
fucking ass with your own fucking dick. Fuck you!
Shit. Lardo? He was everything you could've asked for in
a friend. He was funny, he was charming, had a way with words--
(Lardo) Dude, shit happens.
Did pretty good with the chicks
and always seemed to make light of a serious situation.
(Radio) My fellow Americans, I'm pleased to tell you today that
I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever.
We begin bombing in five minutes.
(Screams)
Together, we were one.
I mean, we had it all.
At least I thought we did.
And every summer, we'd get a visit from Iris.
(Knock on door)
Iris!
(Brenda) Anne wants to know when are you coming to The Hut.
(Green)
There's coffee in the kitchen.
(Yawn)
And then there was Anne.
(Liv) Johnny boy, why is the door closed with a girl inside?
(JD) Give me five minutes, Mom. I'm having sex!
Johnny, stop that, now! Bad boy! What will the neighbours
think - girl in your room and the door closed?
They'll think I'm getting laid!
(JD) Like we always said, a little bit of booty never hurt nobody.
♪♪
Growing up as a kid on the beach was a blast.
I mean, everybody knew everybody.
The surf was always good, and every night was a party.
JD! What's up man?
(JD) Hey, Skinner! What's happening, dude?
Somebody's parents were always gone for the weekend, and if
that didn't happen, we'd take it to the Shelburn House.
(Explosion, Rock music)
But what went down over the next 24 hours is
something I will never forget.
So check this out.
Every kid has someone they look up to, right?
Whether it's a baseball player, a rock star,
or drives a race car - a hero. Well it just so happened that
my hero, he lived right down the street. And this guy had
the ability to make you feel like you were walking on water.
(Knock on door)
(Mooney) What's up?
(JD) Hey.
Twenty, twenty-five, forty-five,
fifty bucks. One more payment and it's mine.
(Knock on door)
Hi!
(Richard) Hello!
(Carol) Morning.
Hi, hello!
Hi, hello! Sorry it's so early, but, um, this may be
a little bit embarrassing, but we're lost.
Would you happen to know were 1117 Shelburn Lane might be?
I do.
(Carol) Oh, great.
(Richard) Oh good. That's wonderful.
Excuse me.
(Richard) (Carol) Yeah, okay. Oh, thanks.
(Mooney) Yuppies!
You know what? Day after graduation,
summer's callin; I'm gonna give you your board.
Just pay me when you got the cash.
Here's your board.
This is um, you know,
it's your board. I mean, I made it for you, so you
take care of the board and she'll take care of you.
Now go on.
Make me proud.
(Deep sigh)
Hey Mooney.
Wanna come?
No, I gotta work.
♪♪
(Del) Two, q, a, n.
Five, seven, four.
Hey, JD! How's it goin?
Hey, Del.
Surfing, huh?
Yeah, I was.
Q, a, n.
Hey, I found this seaweed with these shells.
It's sparkling, see?
Oh yeah?
And this.
Sea glass.
Q, a, n.
I'm not really in the mood for a nature study right now.
Q, a, n.
Five, seven, four. Five, seven--
(JD) Oh shit.
Fuck!
(Sparky) Nice!
(Cigarette lighter)
(shouts) Wake up, Venture! Whoo! Ha-ha!
(Rock music)
(squealing tires)
(Sparky) Watch your fucking driving, asshole!
You stupid blind fucker!
(Bang)
(Driver) What the fuck, man?
'Sup, man? What are you gonna do, huh? C'mon!
Get the fuck back in your car and drive back to your stupid
valley and stay outta my city!
Fucking Venture surfers!
Yeah, you say that, and then you drive off, you pussy!
Fuckin Souther!
♪♪
(Kid) What's up, JD?
(Filipe) Que pasa, JD!
I lost my board, man!
Maybe someone took it.
Took it? No one takes surfboards around here, Amigo!
(JD) Hey, Harry.
(Harry) Hey, JD! Where's your board?
Gone? I don't know. Maybe someone stole it.
Stole your board?
Uh-huh.
Mother-fucker!
Mh-mm.
(Peggy) Beer! I don't spend every day working my ass
off at the DMV so you can buy beer, old man!
I didn't buy it! JD gave me one.
What?
J, did you give him beer?
No.
Where's your board?
(Fart)
(Gigi) Rise and shine, ladies!
C'mon, get up.
(Stan) Why are you doing this to me?
(Coco) (Groans) You know, in some countries, this is considered torture?
(Gigi) Listen up! JD lost his board!
So?
Well, so you guys should go help him find it!
He lost the Mooney?
Yeah, the Mooney!
(Laughs) That shit didn't happen!
It happened!
Seriously, you guys should go help him find it!
He should help me find the bong!
Oh, God!
Where is it?
(JD) Dude, why?
(Lardo) I don't know.
I mean how does something like this happen?
(JD) Dude, I have no idea. Mooney's gonna kill me.
(Lardo) I mean, it's just kinda incredible that
your board would just be gone.
I know.
Hey, what's goin on, guys?
Sparks!
Punk!
Hey, Bro!
Where's your board, man?
Dude, my board got pilfered!
Dude, don't flip out, alright?
I can't fucking believe this shit!
I'm gonna fucking kill all of 'em!
I mean, they just come, and they just take our fucking
boards like it's nothing? These are our boards, our property.
Fuck them! Fuck off--
(Iris) Alright, I'm here. Where's the fire?
(Anne) Thank you. Okay, um, can you fold these please,
and then put them outside when you're done?
Only because I need you in my life.
Love you.
So how's things?
Oh, you know. Same old together one day,
broken up the next. Back together again.
On again, off again. Sex one day, no sex the next.
It's nice to know we have the same problems.
...their fucking beating heart outta their chest and
show it to 'em. Gonna--
Yeah, I--
uh Anne?
I'm not fucking around!
Yeah?
That boy's not good for business.
They just fucked with Sparky, and Sparky's gonna fuck 'em up!
That's just Sparky. He breaks it, he buys it!
All day!
Pretend this little fuckin totem poll's their fucking face!
(Breathes heavily) Whoa.
(Anne) Hey, JD, um... Um, where's your board?
It's gone!
Hey, JD.
Hey, Iris. How's your mom?
She's in Vegas with her new boyfriend.
Hey, did you look up and down the beach?
Of course. Ah, please. Come on!
Well, wait. Maybe the tide took it out, Dude.
How many times a year do I go out?
A lot.
And how many times have I lost my board?
A lot.
Yeah, and how many times have I swum in to get it?
As many times as you lost it.
Right. And how many times was it right there waiting for me?
Yeah.
Every time.
Exactly, Dude. Every time, except this fucking time.
(Lardo) Whoa! Did anyone hear about Reagan bombing Russia?
(Iris) What?
Reagan. Reagan's bombing Russia.
I heard it on the radio this morning.
(Iris) Shhhh. You're that stoned that Reagan is talking to
you personally through a radio?
No, no. I'm not that stoned.
I'm that stoned.
(Laughs)
Dude, me too!
Let's get more stoned!
What am I gonna do, man?
Fuck! This is, this is a symbol
for all that's sacred to our way of life.
(Iris) So, what? ls something sacred to your way of life?
Wake up.
A surfboard is the most sacred thing to our way of life.
It's, it's um it's your girlfriend,
your car and your dick - all in one.
Guys, he's like a Mexican Jesus.
So, uh, Jesus, what do we do?
We do what we do whenever we don't know what to do.
♪♪
Party at the Shelburn House again, Anne? C'mon -
gotta meet some new people; withering away over here.
Oh God, Iris, please! Shut up! Have some fun! Lighten up!
I want to have fun. I really do.
Okay, then have fun.
Uh. Okay, who's gonna be there?
Well, who do you think?
Um, JD, Lardo, The yard guys, Mike Moke, um, James, Bernard-
What? What is your problem?
I just, well, look.
I wanna meet some guys who are into the same things I'm into.
Um, Iris, boyfriends aren't into poetry, painting and art.
Just have some fun, for me, please, please?
Yeah, for you. It's easy for you to say.
You've got sunshine boy out there.
Okay, that's not that easy.
Know what? First chance I get, I'm getting outta here.
I'm going to New York and I'm gonna be an artist.
You know, I don't care about being rich or famous, dude.
I just wanna work, and keep my edge.
Your edge.
Yeah. My edge. And when I do get a boyfriend,
he'll be into poetry, painting and art. You watch.
Um, news flash, Iris. Hmm. Boyfriends who are into
all that already have boyfriends of their own.
Crap.
I got an idea!
Oh really? What?
Let's flash Sparky.
Okay.
You ready?
Yeah.
One, two, three!
What the hell is wrong with you?
♪♪
Alright, JD. Tell me the story in excruciating detail.
Alright, so--
I was out on my board and then like all of a sudden
out of nowhere this like perfect wave just comes at me.
So I paddle into it, right? And I get up, and I lay down like
this sweet bottom turn and then like, I was right there, yeah.
I'm right there, and the wave just starts throwing its lip
over me, just like throwing it over me like that.
It was like the most beautiful feeling of my life.
And what happened after that, man?
Uhh--
C'mon, man. You had to see something, bro.
Yeah, uh, I'm looking around, and--
and I see Del!
Yeah, man! The first person I saw on the beach was Del!
Del!
Hey Del!
Oh. Hey, Guys. What's up?
Hey.
Hey, hey.
Everything okay?
Yeah. Del, uh, listen.
Do you remember seeing me this morning?
Sure. It was about 08:57, close to nine. I tell time by
the sun and I usually get it right within a minute or two.
Alright, well, look, my surfboard got stolen.
Did you see anything?
Yeah. Did you see anything?
What do you mean - the Souther?
He was driven' a Datsun 2802. It was orange.
Do you remember anything else?
Dudes, you can't get the right answers in life unless
you ask the right questions.
Whoa.
(Lardo) 2QAN574.
(Sparky) So, what is the right question?
(JD) I don't know.
Really, JD, if I could find the guy who did this to you,
I would kill him.
No. You know what? I wouldn't just kill him,
I'd beat his ass first, and then I would kill him.
No. You know what? I'd kick his ass and kill him,
but first, I'd steal his board so he knew what it felt like.
Shut up, stupid.
Why would he steal JD's board if he already had one?
What?
If he had a board to steal, I mean.
I'd steal that one.
Wait. What? Which one would you steal?
I'd steal 'em both, Dude.
Yeah.
I'm a badass.
Okay, so how are we gonna find this guy?
Oh, she said something about that Souther
in the Datsun, yeah?
Yeah, right. The orange 2802, huh?
Yeah.
You stupid blind fucker!
(squealing tires)
Ahhh!
Oh fuck. Here we go again.
What!
What, Sparky? What, Sparky?
What? I saw a guy driving an orange 2802,
but I didn't think that anyone would fuckin steal
a board so I didn't even get a good look at him!
(Slap) Dude! Relax!
What? Fuck you; I'm not gonna relax!
What? You're just remembering this now?
I'm gonna fuckin kill this guy!
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Who, the Souther?
Yeah, man. He was driving around in this sleazy fuckin
pick-up-some-pussy-valley-boy car with the
board hanging out the back, dude. Green and yellow, right?
Yeah?
Yeah? Well how do you know he was a Souther?
Dude, he had a fuckin typical Ken doll haircut.
Total valley boy faggy-ass shit, and-
the fucker had pants. Like, slacks.
Pants?
Uh-oh.
Hey guys, uh, look who it is.
It's red bikini girl.
(JD) Red bikini girl.
(Lardo) Coming straight for you.
Check it out.
What I wouldn't do to nib on one of those nibs.
(Sparky) Dude, what I wouldn't do to
suck on both of those nipples.
(JD And Lardo) A little bit of booty never hurt nobody!
(JD) Your mom home, Sparky?
Maybe we should go in and say hi.
Yeah, I don't know.
(JD) She okay?
Yeah.
Shit.
What?
I'm supposed to meet this kid today-
I'm selling him my skateboard.
You're selling your skateboard?
Yeah, they're gonna shut off our electric if
we don't pay the bill.
Seriously, bro?
How much?
Sixteen dollars.
(JD) Don't sweat it, Dude.
Uh, we have to figure out this, uh, what is it 2QAN--
Later.
Later?
Yeah, later.
First we're gonna get sixteen bucks.
You ready?
Check this dude out.
Mr. C, how ya doing?
Hey!
So, uh, anyway, Mr. Candidas--
(Mr. C) Candianadas.
Uh, okay, so I see this bitchin' wave coming in,
right? I see this--
I've already heard this stupid story from
your step-father, the drunk.
Oh yeah? He was in here already? (Boxes fall)
Oh that's great, typical.
(Mr. C) Hey!
Hey, so uh yeah, I was trying to tell ya a story, alright?
So listen. So I drop in on this wave, and I'm like totally
stoked and then it was like, I'm doin a cut-back and I lay
it down with my hand and I'm like skimming it with my
hand, and the lip starts folding over.
It's like coming over me like this, so I'm like, "Whoa!
"And then I'm like "whoa" and this giant liquid cavern of
liquid water from another planet.
(Lardo) Dude, I've been looking for these all day!
Look what I found.
(JD) Alright! Yeah, we'll have these.
(Lardo) Beef. Uh, got any dough?
Uh, no. Do you?
Yeah, um.
We're gonna have to come back for those later.
Yeah, later. Okay. Catch ya!
Let's get outta here!
Feels kinda good, huh?
What?
Helping out Sparky's mom. She's a nice lady.
Can you keep a secret?
Dude. Yeah. What- what's up?
Alice is not really his mom.
What?
Yeah. She's his grandma. He just calls her that.
Where's his mom?
She bailed, man.
Whoa.
There ya go, son sixteen dollars.
There you go; thank you sir.
This is a nice couch.
Got it at Sears.
Now if the wife asks, I didn't give you any money.
Sure; okay.
Harry, Peggy works at the DMV, right?
Um-hmmm.
What?
(Peggy) Alright. Bye, Marge.
Okay.
We got 2QUAN574, 1979 Datsun, registered to a
seventeen-year-old kid name Brian Kramer,
212 South Valley Road, Valley Village.
Here ya go!
Brian Kramer.
You don't know how much we appreciate this.
Well, do me a favour. Don't kill him.
Oh, and next time you sell Harry some stolen beer,
get something better than this shit, please.
Fuckin Southers!
Oooh, stand by with the beer!
(Laughs)
(Coughing)
If you barf, I am not cleaning that up.
That what dogs are for, tardo.
(Red Bikini Girl) Hey boys.
Red bikini girl.
Little bit of booty never hurt nobody!
(Brenda) Do you think she's had a boob job?
(Anne) Hey mom?
Yeah, honey.
Can we like have a bottle of something, please?
Oh go ahead.
Take the half-bottle of vodka from the bar.
But no drinking and driving.
Okay. Thanks, Mom. You rock. Hard.
Yeah well, I used to.
(JD) Anne!
Yeah!
I found it!
You found your board? Great!
Hi, JD.
Oh, hey, Brenda.
What's this about your board?
Oh yeah, we know where it is; I've just gotta go get it.
Hey, can we go back to my house? I need to change.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
Need a hand, JD?
(Laughs)
Anne, your mom's like totally hitting on me, again.
(Anne) Mom, c'mon! We talked about this!
Okay, we're going, Jeez!
(JD) Wow.
(Anne) Bye! I love you!
I love you, too! Have fun!
(JD) How come you're never like that.
♪♪
(Liv) Oh, there you are Johnny-boy. I heard what happened.
Oh, honey.
Mom!
The milkman told me. Oh, Johnny.
C'mon, Mom.
Oh, don't worry. We'll get it back for you, my poor baby.
We're onto it, Ma, really.
Oh, Johnny.
I give you some stew to take with you.
La Lumbie.
C'mon, sweetheart, huh?
Did you miss me?
(Kiss)
I need ya now. I do.
Come on now. Come on.
Here you go, honey.
Jesus, Mom; I'm communing with my automobile, here.
Oh Johnny, please. Just try it. Just try it!
Alright, alright.
Uh-huh.
Yes, good.
Uh, now can I go?
Oh, yeah.
Here, Anne. Hold this. I've gotta focus.
Okay, baby.
C'mon. C'mon. Come to Papa.
(Turns over slowly) That's it.
Come one, come on baby, come on.
(Engine cranks)
Whoo! Atta girl!
♪♪
(squealing tires)
Good luck, Johnny!
(Loud music and singing)
So get this. I totally saw this guy today, man.
He's drivin' down the road, in this bright-ass orange,
look at me, 2802; the typical Souther. I mean, it seemed
like his hair was personally styled by Vidal Sassoon.
(Laughs)
And uh, he was wearing pants.
(Anne) What?
(Lardo) Pants.
Pants!
(Banks on door) (Guy) C'mon, I gotta pee!
(JD) Everybody! We got a situation here, so listen up!
These fucking Southers. They come to our beautiful
beach, and they desecrate it, and I'm sick of it!
It's over, and they're going to pay, now!
Yeah!!
So fucking frightening.
Totally. It turns me on.
What?
Whatever.
God, you're so weird.
(JD) Alright now, here's the deal. An elite team of us,
a band of brothers are gonna go tonight, in La Lumbie and we're
gonna find this guy and we're gonna bring my board back!
(Cheering)
We're going.
No. Anne, no. I'm not going.
Yes. Shut up, Iris. We're going. Shut up!
Oh shit.
(Loud burp)
My fellow Venturians, the time has come.
Lardo!
Fuck it.
(Car starts)
(Cheering)
Mooney's?
What are we doing here?
There's somethin' I need to do.
So Mike, I know I shoulda been more careful. I'm gonna get
the board back and I'm gonna get you that last payment, too.
We got an address; we know where this guy is, so you know,
don't worry. It'll be easy.
(Ginger) These kids.
They're gonna run off to the valley,
and probably get into a bunch of trouble.
Let's go get us a surfboard.
Mooney's comin with us? Now we can take on the
whole fuckin Valley, dude. Let's do this.
(Car starts)
♪♪
Why do you call your car La Lumbie, anyway?
Well, it used to be La Bamba, but the L's; they took over.
First it was Bomber, then La Bamba.
Now it's La Lumbie.
Yeah. Because le Ian lalk lin lels.
L, Pm S “W?
Le Ian lalk lin lels.
You can talk in L's?
Wow. I really gotta get away from here.
We're going to war, and we need war music.
We need a fuckin battle hymn.
(Anne) Check the tapes!
(sparky) To the tapes!
(Iris) To the tapes.
(JD) To the tapes.
Germ.
Uh, Ramones.
Bob Marley.
I got the Thompson Twins.
(Mooney) No. No Thompson Twins.
Pick a tape.
Tape?
Fear.
Hell, yeah.
Right on.
Now that is road-trip music.
(Rock music)
Mooney rocks.
Now, eh - turn it up.
(Loud music)
The valley of the shadow of death in all its wretched glory.
Millions of Southers, wearing pants.
I hate pants.
I hate pants, too!
One of 'em named Brian Kramer.
Yeah. Somewhere down in that cesspool of
humanity is JD's surfboard.
Watch for Van Nuys and turn right.
I'm from here, remember?
We need gas.
(squealing tires)
Hey sparky!
What's up?
I challenge you to a sponge-war.
Alright, you bastard, show me what you got!
God, I can't wait to get outta here next month.
I know. Parson's gonna be so cool.
You'll be in New York, and meanwhile I'll be
at UC Santa Cruz.
Oh, but you'll like it, Annie. You'll love it.
You'll meet some guy - an intellectual who surfs, and fall
in love, get married, have babies, grow old, fade out.
You make it sound so boring.
Are you kidding? I wish I could do that.
I'm, I'm too psychotic.
(Sparky) You got nothin'. Huh?
Ah, but you'll be in New York.
Your life is gonna be so awesome.
I mean, I hope so. You know I just can't wait to visit
all the places I've read about. You know, like CGBGs.
Who's playing there now?
Oh, Max's Kansas City where Louie and the Velvet Underground
played with Niko; Grace Church, where Allen Ginsberg and Jim
Carrol read their poetry.
Someday I just really hope I meet Lori Anderson.
Um, who's that?
You know; she has that song, "Oh Superman."
I don't know it.
Yeah!
(Mexican music plays) Whoa, whoa.
Hey, whoa.
Whoa, what?
Yes, yes it is.
♪♪
Oh, gasoline!
(Mooney) Why are they doing that?
Uh, they lost a bet to Lardo's cousin,
so now every time they hear that song, this ensues.
That's the dumbest fuckin thing I've ever seen.
Hey, Mike.
Whoo!
You alright?
Yeah.
♪♪
There it is.
This is the part where they cut to outside the car
and we see like this jerky point of view thing.
And there's this guy dragging this foot.
He's creeping up on the car, and we don't know it,
but he's got a steel hook for a hand. Wheeee!
Shut up!
Just save it.
Alright, seriously. What's the plan here?
Torch the place!
Sparky! Down.
What if we sneak around the house and look in the windows?
You're such a perv.
That ain't a perv thing. This is James Bond shit, here.
(Laughs)
No, no, no. We get a brick, cover it in a towel, douse it
in gasoline, set in on fire, and chuck it through the window.
That's a bit extreme, Sparky.
One more.
(Can drops)
One more what, Mike?
One more beer.
Yeah.
(JD) Alright. So assuming our information's correct, my
surfboard's in that house, in his car, or he hid it someplace.
Oh my God. Just do something - anything. How 'bout that?
Knock on the door.
Totally.
♪♪
(Knock on door)
(Timid) Uh, hi sir.
My name's JD.
These are my friends, and well it seems--
We're here cause there's a problem with--
Do you have a son?
You see, my board was stolen today, and well,
we think that maybe Brian, that's his name, right?
That Brian kinda, well, that he was the one who stole it.
And we got a license plate from an eyewitness and
we're pretty sure that he's the one who stole my board,
but maybe we got it wrong.
It's okay.
(Dials number)
Hello.
(Sparky) Dude, you got it!
Yeah, it was right there in his room.
That was like, too easy, man. We should just get outta here, bro.
(Mooney) No. We're not goin' anywhere yet.
(Sam) There's one thing I hate worse than a liar.
And that's a thief.
I need to apologize. My son's done a bad thing here,
and I can understand you all being upset.
What's your name?
Mike Mooney.
Well, Mike Mooney, I suppose you've got an
idea of how you'd like to handle this?
I think we'd like to handle it ourselves.
My son stole a surfboard.
He didn't kill anyone.
That's understood.
Alright.
What's up with you?
Nothing.
C'mon, Iris. I know you better than that. What's goin' on?
What?
Don't "what" me. What's goin' on?
There's nothing goin' on, Anne.
Iris, speak to me.
I know the guy, okay? I know him.
You what?
You got it back. Right on!
(Anne) That's awesome!
(JD) Nah, that was too easy.
Yeah. Now what the fuck do we do?
Why don't we just, ya know, go home?
What? What? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck that, JD.
We came all the way out to this Valley; we gotta
do something to this fucking guy - c'mon!
(Anne) C'mon, JD. You got your surfboard back.
There's still time to go back to the Shelburn House.
I mean, imagine the look on everyone's faces when
you come back with the board.
No! Shhh No!
Getting the board back's only half the journey.
Totally.
You know what you gotta do, right?
I mean, you gotta find this guy.
And scare the living shit out of him!
Okay great. Uhm, so what do we do now?
I don't know. I'll know it when I see him.
That's it? We're just gonna wait here 'til he comes back?
You don't get it, do ya?
I can't walk away from this. I gotta, I gotta either wait
here 'til he comes, or I gotta go find the guy. That's it.
That could take forever.
I mean do you know how fucking huge this city is?
He's at Buffalo Records in Tarzana. He works there.
At least that's-
that's where he worked when we were dating.
(Lardo laughs)
You dated this guy?
Iris, he wears pants.
Idiot, you have pants on.
That's completely different.
He gave me records, okay? It lasted for like ten minutes
and then I dumped him and he got all freaky.
I didn't know he would do something like this, JD.
I'm sorry, okay? I'm, I'm really sorry.
(Lardo) Studies have shown that acts of revenge actually
trigger a response in the brain's pleasure zones.
Like when you eat or you have sex.
Really?
Yeah.
And where did you get this little tidbit of information?
Uhhh--
Oh! Maybe it was in the American Journal of
I-don't-know-what-the- fuck-I'm-talking-about.
Ooohh!
Ha ha ha.
So. How shall we do this?
Just take it nice and smooth.
Alright. I can be smooth.
(Brian) Okay, I'll be with you in one second.
That's it! That's it right there!
(squealing tires)
That is him! That is him! Go, go, go!
Hey guys, be careful!
(Shouting all around)
You're gonna fuckin die!
I'm gonna kill you!
(JD) I'm gonna fuck you up, bro. Fuck you!
C'mon Sparky, put the fucking rock down!
Bros, guess who's calling the cops!
Kill you!
I'm gonna fuckin...
C'mon, let's go. so. so!
Cock sucker!
Fuck you!
Sorry, guys-
It's amazing what someone will do to get the latest hit.
(Girl) It looks like the only hit they wanted was on you, Brian.
How did we do?
Huh. Not so smooth.
What do we do now?
(All) Beer!
(Laughs)
(Hot Rod Guy) Pierpont vodka, huh?
(Kenny) Yup.
That's imported, right?
(Kenny) Sure.
I hear them crazy Ruskies make this shit out of potatoes.
Yep. Gonna need to see some ID.
Just kidding!
Oh, yeah. Thanks a lot.
There ya go. Can you change four bucks?
Need some help?
(Kenny) I got it. Have a good day.
Happy New Year, Chief.
(Hot Rod Girl) C'mon, baby.
(Kenny) How's it goin'?
Hey. Kenny, so uh, yeah.
I see this bitchin' wave comin in, and it's like pitching over.
I'm like scratching for the outside, like goin' like this,
and it's like pitching and then it slams me on the ground, man.
And I'm like, whoa getting worked, dude, and then...
Do you surf?
No.
Hey man, I do this thing with my hair; it's killer, bro.
Ready?
(Loud yelling)
So you're from Venture, then.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, I can tell.
These are sixty-nine cents, here?
Yep.
In Venture, they're forty-nine cents.
Hmm. Then why don't you go buy one in Venture?
What kind of lifestyle do you live?
That's insulting.
(Burps)
Have a beer with Fear, boys.
(JD) Yeah.
(Loud music)
(Gigi) You guys aren't gonna believe this.
Mooney went with the guys to find JD's board.
Wasn't he in 'Nam?
No. We saw Apocalypse Now like nine times.
Hey, everybody listen up! Those guys make it back
with the board, we're letting 'em on the deck!
Bitchin'.
Whoo-hoo! Fake set!
I don't get it.
This guy dated you and you dumped him.
Why'd he steal my board? I didn't do nuthin' to him.
I have no idea, JD.
I told you; he's just a freak.
(Burp)
(Iris) So.
This is the most exciting stake-out I've ever been on.
(Anne) It's like a surf contest with no swell.
Everyone's just sitting there waiting for something to happen.
(JD) Not the West Coast invitational's.
You goin' to that, Mike?
No, I'm out.
What? Why? You killed it last month at Pismo.
(Mooney) Killed it! Dude, I finished thirty-fourth.
Comes a time to move on.
I surf for the fun of it and shape for the love of it.
(Anne) So. I was just thinking.
(Snoring)
You know in a couple months summer's gonna be over.
(Lardo) So what? That always happens.
So, we're all outta high school, now.
And some of us are gonna go to college, get jobs,
and start doing adult stuff.
Yeah, and shit that we hate.
Well look, all I'm saying is, you know;
things are gonna be different, now.
Man! I hate this shit.
Start talking about the future; getting all high and serious.
Shit.
I don't know what I'm gonna do in an hour!
Yeah, and that's really fucked.
What are you saying, Anne? A lot of people,
they stay in Ventura - keep partying, surfing.
People like who? Harry, who, ya know, gets kids to steal
beer for him? I mean, great fucking role models, JD.
Well you think we should buy into this shit?
That we should start working and wearing pants?
Is that it? Huh? Buying insurance?
Get a vacuum cleaner and shit?
Yeah?
You really think that this is all there is to life?
Maybe.
If I thought that, I would so fucking kill myself.
(Mooney) You don't have to, you know.
You don't have to buy a vacuum cleaner.
What choice do you have, Mooney?
We need more beer.
(Lardo) I'll go,
(Anne) Me too.
(Lardo) Are you okay?
Will you help me, Lardo?
Yeah.
Those guys were acting like such guys, tonight.
Yeah.
(Laughs)
This pet's having like no effect.
Um, you just gotta give it some time to kick in, ya know?
Careful, dude.
Just thinking about Iris.
Ann's goin'to college. Probably meet some guy.
Iris is moving to New York.
How do you guys do that, anyways?
Do what?
Do chicks and all, man?
Easy. You just put your hand here, inside their leg,
and then you just slide it up.
Slide it up. It works every time, man.
Feels pretty good.
Not your own leg, man. The chick's.
Well, iris's apple wine works pretty good, too.
It's just like drivin' a car.
What would you do if you were gonna go on a
long road trip with Lumbie?
Get in, start her up, and take off!
God, no. Listen.
Ya gotta...ya gotta sweet talk her a little.
Give her a little loving, nurturing.
You baby her a little. You check her um, you
check her fluids, make sure there's enough lubrication.
You kick the tires, make sure your rubber's good.
And if you feel confident, and ready,
you slide in the driver's seat.
You tickle the starter and you turn her over.
Then you slip it into drive
and you gently start to push her forward.
And then you're on your way.
But that's when you have to, you have to listen to her,
really start to pay attention.
And as she starts to warm up, her temperature starts to rise,
that's when, you know, you can pump her a little harder,
you know?
And she'll let ya know when she's ready.
She'll start to hum.
When she starts to hum you go pedal to the medal, as hard as
you can for as long as you can. That's, that's when it's good.
That's when it gets, you know, that's like you're a machine on
an open back road somewhere in America with nothing but like a
forest or corn field on either side of you with stars in the
sky, and no traffic lights. There's no coppers, no worries.
That's just, that's as good as it gets.
That's- that's being a man;
that's heaven on earth; that's what that is.
What does all that have to do with getting women?
You don't have to worry about it for a long time, uh, Sparky.
Alright, where's the turn?
It's coming, I think.
It's either coming or we passed it.
What?
Turn here. Turn here!
Okay, okay! (squealing tires)
(Lardo) Take the back streets, okay?
Okay. Valley View, Valley Lane, Valley Drive.
Great! They're all the same stupid name!
Man, we're gonna miss it.
Miss what?
The fight!
Lardo, you are so busted; you wanna see the fight.
Yeah, I kinda do.
Okay, where are we?
Lost.
Totally and completely lost.
I'm leally leally lost.
Oh ly Lod; I Ian lalk in leis!
(Laughs)
Not funny, Lardo. What have you done to her?
(Engine dies)
Alright, what just happened?
Well, I think we're out of gas.
You just filled it up.
I only put one dollar in it.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Doomed. We're all doomed.
Whoa.
Whoa, what?
You hear that?
I don't hear shit.
That's just it. Ya can't hear the ocean.
That's weird.
Ya can't hear it; ya can't smell it.
Yeah.
Whoa! Shit!
(indistinct voices)
What's he doin'?
Shh! I can't hear him!
(Snoring)
(Sam) Okay, boys! You can come on out!
Sparky! Psst!
(Snoring)
You got something to say?
Why'd you do it? Do you even surf?
Then why steal a surfboard?
It was stupid. Just forget it.
(Sam) It's too late for that, Brian. Just tell him.
My girlfriend...
Iris. She broke up with me, for some, uh, surfer.
So you were just pissed at some random surfer?
And so you decided to steal my board?
What's the fuckin logic in that, huh?
You got your board back! This is over.
That's not for you to say.
Now the way I see it is this you have two options.
One, you can call the cops,
or two, you can dole out a whipping for yourself.
What's it gonna be?
I'll take option number two.
Dad, these guys are gonna fuckin kill me!
Brian, don't embarrass yourself any further.
You get three swings. That's all. Fair?
Fair.
I sot him!
That's one.
Fuck, Sparky!
Piece of cake.
C'mon, man; he's drunk. He doesn't know what he's doin'!
I said three swings. That counts. You got two left.
Wait a minute. He said one of you guys gets
three swings. He already took one.
So he's gotta take the other two.
I mean that's the rule, right? Three swings; one guy.
That's what he said.
Fine.
You hear that Sparky, huh?
Two swings. Two swings.
Just get me close. I can't miss him.
Get in there.
Hi, fairy-boy.
Fuck!
That's two.
That should count as two and three!
Keep quiet. Take your licks. He hasn't even hit you.
Get up, Sparky; get up. Ya gotta get up! C'mon!
You got one more! One mo- he's laughing at us, man!
One more; one more, Sparky! Come on! Come on!
Don't laugh at me!
Dude.
(Laughs)
You laughing at?
This is your last chance.
Then I'm taking my boy inside and that's it.
(JD) Come on, Sparky. Get up, man.
Get up; ya gotta get UP- Get up, Sparky!
Get up! Come on!
(Distorted voices)
(Punch)
Alright!
Oh shit!
Sparky, man. Sparky, you did it, man! You did it!
You nailed him, man. You got him. You got him.
(Snoring)
Sparky? Holy shit; he's asleep! He's asleep!
Alright, then. You fellas satisfied?
Now I want ya to make up.
Shake hands.
I, um, I'm sorry, man.
It's cool. No real harm done.
You Okay?
C'mon, Bri.
Let's get ya inside, get an icepack on that jaw.
(Mooney) Excuse me.
I never got your name.
Sam.
Sam Kramer.
I just wanna say, it was, uh, real nice meeting you.
I just, I wanted to say that to ya.
I was gone a lot when he was growing up.
Didn't do a very good job there, I'm afraid.
Most of the time, you do the best you can do, and hope the
rest just falls in line and sometimes it does.
Don't forget Sparky, there.
Wiener man! What'd you do - go down to Ventura and,
uh get more wieners?
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Hey bro.
Kenny, dude. I ran outta gas about a mile down the road,
and yeah I was just wondering, can I borrow a gas can?
Oh. Man. Well, uh this isn't Ventura.
You know, we sell gas cans; we don't just lend 'em out.
I'd be happy to sell ya one and I'll sell ya some gas, too.
Oh, yeah. How much are they?
Three dollars.
Three dollars?
Yep.
Yeah, I got three bucks.
I got three bucks somewhere here.
One. I got one.
(Change tingling)
Hold on.
Two, two twenty - ut- three bucks.
And fifteen cents.
Yeah!
So then I guess you have enough to get, uh,
fifteen cents worth of gas, wiener man.
Hey, bro, look. can you just, can, give me a break, man.
Let me borrow the gas can; I'll bring it right back, dude.
Look, man, we sell em, okay? We don't rent 'em.
(Slides money back)
Dude, where are your friends?
Lost in the valley of the shadow of death.
This whole day has been like one endless bummer, dude.
Hey bros.
(Guy) How's it goin'?
Do you like have a gas can I can borrow? My car ran outta
gas, and well, this dude won't let me borrow a can.
Ah, you ran outta gas, huh?
Yeah. It's just like a mile up that way.
We got some beers leftover if ya help us out.
Yeah, sure, man. Sure.
Bitchin' can, dude. Thanks.
Hop in!
Man, I just wanted to fuckin kick that guy's ass.
You know, just, just kick his ass.
One punch. Just one fuckin punch.
You got one punch.
Well, yeah, but, I mean I should have fucking pounded him.
I should kicked his fuckin teeth in, man. You know what?
I'm gonna go back in there. You wanna come?
He said three swings, Sparky.
Who gives a shit what that old fucker said.
I'll kick his ass, too.
Fuck, Sparky. I'm sick of it, man.
Ya talk all this bullshit; I'm gonna do this and I'm gonna
do that and you just get drunk and you don't do nuthin'.
You don't do shit. So shut up, alright?
You okay?
I just wanna go home.
Thanks, bros.
Hopefully it'll fill up and we'll be able to get outta here.
Hey wait. What are your names?
Esmeralda.
Guinevere.
Esmeralda and Guinevere, huh?
(Guy 2) Hey, where you from?
Africa.
(Anne) South Africa. Johannesburg.
Can't you tell they're just fuckin with us?
That true? Were you just fuckin with us?
Hey listen guys. Thanks so...we need to...
(Guy 2) I don't think so.
(Anne) Get the fuck away from me!
(Screaming)
What the fuck?
Go, Anne! Go!
Fuck!
(Guy 2) C'mon! You like that?
Hey asshole!
(Clang!)
♪♪
Later, bitch.
♪♪
Pieces of shit. Get in your fuckin piece of shit van
or I will ficking smash your brains out!
Come on! Get in the Lumbie!
1 Hey, what about our beer?
Shit. They're gonna follow us.
No they're not.
Fuckers.
Whoa.
They're here.
♪♪
Alright.
Thanks for comin, Mike.
I'll get ya that money, too.
Ah, just give it when you get it.
So?
Gotta grab my skateboard outta the back.
Hey Sparky.
Hey.
Thanks, dude.
No really, I mean,
that shit I said before, it's just, I don't know.
Weird fuckin night, huh?
Yeah.
I just...
If I gotta have someone at my back,
I'm just glad it's you, dude.
Yeah?
Yeah. We're gonna be talking about this for years.
We will, won't we?
I'm gonna catch some zzzz's, man.
Yeah.
You goin' surfing later?
What else?
You know, I actually enjoyed myself tonight, man.
Me too.
Later, Sparky.
(Iris) Wait. Now I gotta find my tape.
Uh, I got it.
(Anne) Cool. I gotta go to work.
So I guess I'll see you?
Of course.
Hey, uh, you know whatever happened back there--
Oh, he just, he just roughed me up a little.
Fucker he tore my shirt.
Yeah, I mean, you're, you're, you're okay, and I'm okay,
so we're you're good, right? You're, you're okay?
You know what?
I mean whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?
Whoa.
Dude, I didn't make that up!
Still good, though.
Yeah?
Later?
Sure.
Hey, I'm really sorry that prick stole your board, dude.
It's not your fault.
I know that.
Later, gator. Nice work.
Hey. Later, Darling.
Tell your mom I love her stew.
Tell your mom I love her daughter.
You're such a liar.
What? I'm so totally committed to you.
Yeah, you're committed to something,
but it ain't me, babe.
What's that supposed to mean?
When you figure it out, call me.
♪♪
Hey Lardo, what do think it all means, man?
What?
The whole thing, dude. I mean,
this guy gets dumped; he steals my board, he doesn't even
know me, and Del just happens to be there, and it's like
we get this name and because of that we go to the Valley?
(Richard) Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, we're building over in Ventura.
Oh it's wonderful, four stories.
(Lardo) Brian Kramer, bro. He turned out to be not such
a bad guy - just some dude who got dumped - by Iris.
Bro, she took his heart and she just like ripped
it up into pieces. She's fuckin vicious, that girl.
Well, we got your board back.
(squealing tires)
Shit!
Man.
Oh, Shit!
Ah.
(Deep sigh)
(Lardo) It looks okay, dude.
(JD) It doesn't look too bad.
(Lardo) Whoa!
(Crack!)
(JD) No!!!
(JD) At that moment, it hit me.
It wasn't about a surfboard; it was about the journey,
with my friends.
Lardo and I are still the best of friends.
He has a beautiful daughter now and always makes the best
of every day - in typical Lardo fashion, of course.
Sparky lived every day like there was no tomorrow.
He rode his last wave in at the age of twenty-five.
He was truly one-of-a-kind, man, and I'll always remember
the crazy shit we used to do together.
Nobody did it like Sparky. Miss ya, bro.
Iris went to New York and became an artist,
just like she said she would.
She's not rich and famous yet, but she still keeps her edge,
and visits Ventura whenever she can.
Anne found a great guy willing to commit to her.
She's married, has a beautiful boy,
and I still remain great friends with her and her family.
My hero Mike Mooney. He's a family man, now.
Still the legend on Pierpont, and hand-shaping surfboards
in the same garage - for the love of it.
(Taps surfboard)
(Del) Hey.
(JD) There's been a whole lotta change in Ventura,
but then again,
lots of things have stayed the same - like Del.
And as for me, I got a beautiful wife,
four great kids, play music with my friends,
and still surfing -
in Ventura.
♪♪